Archive for December, 2008

typing l o v e

It is thoughts of love that turn my eyelids into rebells tonight. There are so may types or love and then there are so many ways to express love.

I worry about which type of love I’m going to get because I want the team spirit type. That unites us in all our goals and endeavors and is “pure” without nasty secretive motives but what will I get? Will I even be able to keep any?

A close friend told me once that I was particularly good at pretending to be happy even when I wasn’t. Once it hits you that sometimes not even most of the time, just from time to time, you put up a mask it is odd to register. I feel like I do it because it is part of who I am being strong with emotional build up. Recognizing it as someone else sees it as a falsehood or something to be “worked” through is in so many ways upsetting.

To say I have a hard time with particular emotions is foolish and young to me because I know so many have the same problem and to me it is as if I expect it to be a problem like a battle that if won makes you stronger. The battles are tiresome.

I wish so badly to be a mind reader. I think that would make things easier.

December 17, 2008 at 8:25 pm Leave a comment

College Apartment Living

As a college senior, I have liven on campus every day of my college career:

Two years in traditional dorms, One year in a 4 bedroom 2 bath apartment on campus with three female room mates (only one of which I knew), and currently in a 4 bedroom 4 bath apartment on campus with three female roommates (only one of which I know).

Dorm living is a priceless experience that is a must for all college students, hands down.

Both apartment I have lived in are located at the heart of campus and only students live in them. The Buildings are Co-ed but as I have said I have only lived in rooms with females.

I want to give a little insight to apartment campus living. My first idea was to do a pros/cons list, but I thought maybe just the facts would be more beneficial to readers…

  1. It is impossible not to make awesome friends, and lasting relationships.
  2. You will meet people more intolerable than you have ever imagined.
  3. Privacy exists only in your head.
  4. Writing your name on your stuff mean nothing..take that back it sometimes is a reference to who you have pissed off by taking it or breaking it.
  5. Don’t loan anything that you wouldn’t give away. That’s right sell your text books don’t loan them.
  6. The words “maybe” and “whatever” as a response to questions means “yes” all of the time.
  7. You will hate your roommate’s significant other…you must it is like a law of nature…Don’t worry the favor will be returned.
  8. Girls cry more often than not during the time you are trying to fall asleep.
  9. The room/apartment will never be a comfortable temperature…you may get the joy or living with a thermostat Nazi, the kids that never got to touch the thermostat at home can’t keep their hands off of it.
  10. Ground/First floor is the most dangerous and unsafe floor of the bunch…example: break ins
  11. Your parents should not visit.
  12. Lock your door…yeah your new bff does steal.
  13. the shower floor is never safe/clean….ehh bleach may help a little
  14. The people upstairs will bowl at night and your neighbor listens to rap at unreasonable hours at deafening volume.
  15. Roommates will leave their alarm clocks on after they leave for the weekend or holiday.
  16. Your alarm clock will stop working for whatever reason during finals week.
  17. Wear shoes when outside apartment…beer comes in glass…be careful.
  18. Sticky stuff is everywhere trust me and don’t smell it.
  19. Fire alarms are a way of life.
  20. the furniture stinks
  21. Everyone will want to do laundry at the same time.
  22. The drier is like an extension of your roommate’s closet so they will just leave their clothes in there for you to handle.
  23. Clothes will disappear.
  24. Food is always fair game…like a contest of holding out to see who can wait the longest before grocery shopping.
  25. You will get locked out of the room only when your roommates are not home.
  26. Windows are pointless we never open the blinds.

More someday….

December 11, 2008 at 12:51 am Leave a comment

Holiday Joy is Starting to Get to Me

Alright, We are two weeks into December and the Holiday season is in full swing. For the first time in my life the Holiday Season joy is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t now why but apparently everyone, okay so not everyone but all my ex-boyfriends and guy friends have decided to catch the holiday cheer bug or whatever it is that is going around making everyone feel “emotional.”

So far, my most recent ex-boyfriend has chosen to tell me that as soon as I break up with my current boyfriend he will take me back in a flash. Which I could assume would be reassuring if I wasn’t thrilled with my current relationship. As a side note, let it be known that this is the ex-boyfriend that asked me while we were dating if he should continue to date me or if he should date a high school crush that recently showed interest instead…yeah I can really pick them.

Next in line would be the ex-boyfriend before the previously mentioned. This one chose to let me know that he would wait for me; like a until I was ready to go/come back to him sort of thing. He let me know that he would like to marry me to…view previous blog to read about my thoughts on marriage…

Lastly there is my best friend from high school that is fighting in Iraq, I only get to “talk” to him online. He let me know that he deeply regrets never dating me in high school. He let me know that he can’t wait to get back to the states to see me and for some reason he wants to cook for me, which I thought was odd.

Why is it when you are single everyone is okay with just being your friend, but as soon as you are happily dating they just can’t resist you?

I’m thinking this is just a result from the joyful holiday season that will past with the new year. It is up setting to have to turn down guys you consider a good friend because you know that it sucks, being turned down that is. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on, because everyone knows about my current relationship status.

Being desired after a high school experience of being undesirable is still weird to me. I suppose I should be flattered but instead it is frustrated having to upset and irritate my friends.

December 11, 2008 at 12:11 am Leave a comment


Using your name to see more of yourself:

December 10, 2008 at 10:58 pm 1 comment


Life isn’t Fairy Tale

But Sometimes I    Wonder

There is:

evil, despair, saddness,

joy, love, and


December 8, 2008 at 9:35 pm Leave a comment

New Chapters

You know we all have friends that we  can’t give up on that we need to hold on to even though holding on is tough.
I hold on even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some people you have a feeling will bring you pain even though they have brought you happiness. Almost like an attempt at keeping a balance.

When you have a friend that helped you though a tough time but is continually letting you down at what point do you let it go? At what time do you beginning managing your friendships?

You never really understand how much you mean to someone but maybe it is our job to try and help them understand what they mean to us. Levels of friendships are difficult things but the important ones are worth wading through awkward wording to let them know.
Maybe it isn’t so much letting go as fading out. Not fighting to hold on to what you want to be there but allowing yourself to see what is really there.

December 2, 2008 at 2:34 pm Leave a comment

Taking an Interest

It never fails to fascinate me when someone takes an interest in me.

The thing is that I can never just believe they are purely interested in me; I look for the motives.

We can explain how to lose trust, but went we speak of gaining trust it is just remarked that it takes time. What if you meet someone and it doesn’t take them anytime at all you just feel the need to give it to them?

December 1, 2008 at 12:21 am Leave a comment

December 2008