Archive for December, 2008
typing l o v e
It is thoughts of love that turn my eyelids into rebells tonight. There are so may types or love and then there are so many ways to express love.
I worry about which type of love I’m going to get because I want the team spirit type. That unites us in all our goals and endeavors and is “pure” without nasty secretive motives but what will I get? Will I even be able to keep any?
A close friend told me once that I was particularly good at pretending to be happy even when I wasn’t. Once it hits you that sometimes not even most of the time, just from time to time, you put up a mask it is odd to register. I feel like I do it because it is part of who I am being strong with emotional build up. Recognizing it as someone else sees it as a falsehood or something to be “worked” through is in so many ways upsetting.
To say I have a hard time with particular emotions is foolish and young to me because I know so many have the same problem and to me it is as if I expect it to be a problem like a battle that if won makes you stronger. The battles are tiresome.
I wish so badly to be a mind reader. I think that would make things easier.
Holiday Joy is Starting to Get to Me
Alright, We are two weeks into December and the Holiday season is in full swing. For the first time in my life the Holiday Season joy is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t now why but apparently everyone, okay so not everyone but all my ex-boyfriends and guy friends have decided to catch the holiday cheer bug or whatever it is that is going around making everyone feel “emotional.”
So far, my most recent ex-boyfriend has chosen to tell me that as soon as I break up with my current boyfriend he will take me back in a flash. Which I could assume would be reassuring if I wasn’t thrilled with my current relationship. As a side note, let it be known that this is the ex-boyfriend that asked me while we were dating if he should continue to date me or if he should date a high school crush that recently showed interest instead…yeah I can really pick them.
Next in line would be the ex-boyfriend before the previously mentioned. This one chose to let me know that he would wait for me; like a until I was ready to go/come back to him sort of thing. He let me know that he would like to marry me to…view previous blog to read about my thoughts on marriage…https://merelyobservation.wordpress.com/2008/10/13/i-do/
Lastly there is my best friend from high school that is fighting in Iraq, I only get to “talk” to him online. He let me know that he deeply regrets never dating me in high school. He let me know that he can’t wait to get back to the states to see me and for some reason he wants to cook for me, which I thought was odd.
Why is it when you are single everyone is okay with just being your friend, but as soon as you are happily dating they just can’t resist you?
I’m thinking this is just a result from the joyful holiday season that will past with the new year. It is up setting to have to turn down guys you consider a good friend because you know that it sucks, being turned down that is. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on, because everyone knows about my current relationship status.
Being desired after a high school experience of being undesirable is still weird to me. I suppose I should be flattered but instead it is frustrated having to upset and irritate my friends.
Wonder
Life isn’t Fairy Tale
But Sometimes I Wonder
There is:
evil, despair, saddness,
joy, love, and
Happiness
New Chapters
You know we all have friends that we can’t give up on that we need to hold on to even though holding on is tough.
I hold on even though I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some people you have a feeling will bring you pain even though they have brought you happiness. Almost like an attempt at keeping a balance.
When you have a friend that helped you though a tough time but is continually letting you down at what point do you let it go? At what time do you beginning managing your friendships?
You never really understand how much you mean to someone but maybe it is our job to try and help them understand what they mean to us. Levels of friendships are difficult things but the important ones are worth wading through awkward wording to let them know.
Maybe it isn’t so much letting go as fading out. Not fighting to hold on to what you want to be there but allowing yourself to see what is really there.
Taking an Interest
It never fails to fascinate me when someone takes an interest in me.
The thing is that I can never just believe they are purely interested in me; I look for the motives.
We can explain how to lose trust, but went we speak of gaining trust it is just remarked that it takes time. What if you meet someone and it doesn’t take them anytime at all you just feel the need to give it to them?