Posts tagged ‘self’

Happy and Sad

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June 21, 2009 at 5:08 pm Leave a comment

work in progress

Here recently I have been trying to figure out what it is that I deem to be important traits in my friends…

Almost a sort of priority…what is more important loyalty or honestly above all else? What things do I value most? I don’t know yet but I am working on it.

Trust – I think this is still the first one on the list, which I find particularly difficult because I can’t be trusted. I’m just, well their is no excuse, I just like to have too much fun sometimes at the expense of others feelings. I think of it as “putting myself first” or “looking out for me.” Mean things always seem not so bad in the moment. I know that I have been an unfaithful person, yet trust is still a big thing for me. I hate double standards and here I am creating a huge one. I suppose it is all in the hope that I find someone that can “keep me faithful”…that phrase sounds horrible but if you have ever been unfaithful, it makes a lot of sense.

Loyalty- Really goes along with that being faithful business, which I’m not an expert on, but still I find it attractive.

Comfort-Everyone says that they can be themselves with certain people…or rather that you should always be yourself but I am looking more the pick your nose, scratch your butt, burp, sing, dance, cry to, and do whatever in front of kind that isn’t even phased.

Is it weird that I find the qualities that I lack to be sooo attractive? Hmm, I’m sure someone is thinking opposites attract, but I don’t believe that. I don’t want opposite. I want the same but better.

Better….

February 5, 2009 at 3:38 am Leave a comment

Crashing

The dream starts with me on a commercial airline trying to find my seat. It seems to be some sort of convention type adventure I am on as all the people on the plane are young. The plane is very wide having two aisles, with two tables at the front of the plane. The tables are kind of like the tables in a high school science room. I find my seat and I am sitting next to a boy.

Just like when I sit on real airplanes, I find myself sitting on the seat belt. There is no account of driving on the runway or of take off. We are already in the air and there are two police officers in their blue uniforms walking around the plane just generally chit-chatting. I unbuckle my seat belt to go to the bathroom.

As I leave my seat one of the two police officers takes my seat. I had an aisle seat in the middle driver-side part of the plane maybe four rows from the front. In real life I prefer the front of the plane. I don’t enjoy the cramped pushing of everyone when it is finally time to get off the plane.

I’m unsure if I actually entered the restroom or not in my dream. What I remember next is standing at the corner of the table in front of my aisle. Looking at all the people on the plane and watching the police officer in my seat talk to the person (who I can’t recall) across the aisle. The plane starts to climb and there are a few noises from the passengers. The police officer in my seat raise his voice (yes both the police officers were men, the one in my seat had short dark hair and wasn’t very tall). He says, “the reason that planes gain altitude or climb in flight….” and at that moment the climb of the plane is so steep that I fold over the table. Everyone that I can see is gripping the arm rests with both hands. I can hear screams coming from the back of the plane and to my left. The police officer isn’t saying anything now. The plane levels out and I begin to frantically scan for a seat that I can take. The police officer isn’t getting out of mine. I see one. As I find a seat which is in front of my old one the plane climbs straight up again. I’m folded over the table. Some screams hold on. Items from the passengers are falling to the back of the plane. I think about how much it is going to hurt if I can’t hold on to this table. The plane shakes and starts to lean.

People are passing out. I lay over this table think how odd it is that I am not scared. I’m not screaming. I’m not talking. I’m not even breathing hard. My heart was racing the first climb but now it is normal. I’m a little nervous but hardly even enough to mention. The situation is out of my hands, so I let it be that way. I notice the police officer has a look of terror that is coming off of his face. He is coming to the same terms I came to. Some people have passed out.

I think about the people that are going to be looking for me, or rather what is left of me. I know they will not find me and that makes me sad only because I know it will help someone come to accept what happened.

I will never know if it was weather or a broken plane.

I wake up and I am upset at my lack of emotion. I say awake for an hour before sleep takes me back.

September 29, 2008 at 4:44 pm Leave a comment


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