Archive for September, 2008

awkwardly close

Yesterday I got my first kiss from D. Not my first kiss ever just with him. I was awkward but it was a really cute peck.

He hugged me good bye at my door after the play we saw. It was a great hug and I just moved my head to look at him and he said, “we are awkwardly close we should go for the kiss.” At that point I smashed my face against his.

I could feel his heart beating; I think I made him nervous.

I went inside and he left and squealed.

He kisses and tells. As his best friend knew almost instantly. I guess so did my roommate too so eh.

So to me this is official and I’m so glad to be a part of it.

so E X C I T E D ! ! !

September 30, 2008 at 1:27 am Leave a comment


I have so many wonderful people in my life right now it is kind of surreal. I have a relationship that I’m very excited about being a part of.

I have a group of very close friends, and drama is at an all time low.

Most of my friends are boys. I am getting progressively more frustrated with some of them. One of my close male friends, L, who I think it struggling to understand that he is gay has been negative on my relationship. He acts like he is jealous but when he asked if he could date me and I said yes, he never acted on it.

My ex-boyfriend who I consider a very good friend, refers to my boyfriend, who he knows and talks to as “friend.” I mean how can you refer to someone as “friend?” That makes no sense.

…new post about boyfriend is in order…

September 30, 2008 at 1:19 am Leave a comment


The dream starts with me on a commercial airline trying to find my seat. It seems to be some sort of convention type adventure I am on as all the people on the plane are young. The plane is very wide having two aisles, with two tables at the front of the plane. The tables are kind of like the tables in a high school science room. I find my seat and I am sitting next to a boy.

Just like when I sit on real airplanes, I find myself sitting on the seat belt. There is no account of driving on the runway or of take off. We are already in the air and there are two police officers in their blue uniforms walking around the plane just generally chit-chatting. I unbuckle my seat belt to go to the bathroom.

As I leave my seat one of the two police officers takes my seat. I had an aisle seat in the middle driver-side part of the plane maybe four rows from the front. In real life I prefer the front of the plane. I don’t enjoy the cramped pushing of everyone when it is finally time to get off the plane.

I’m unsure if I actually entered the restroom or not in my dream. What I remember next is standing at the corner of the table in front of my aisle. Looking at all the people on the plane and watching the police officer in my seat talk to the person (who I can’t recall) across the aisle. The plane starts to climb and there are a few noises from the passengers. The police officer in my seat raise his voice (yes both the police officers were men, the one in my seat had short dark hair and wasn’t very tall). He says, “the reason that planes gain altitude or climb in flight….” and at that moment the climb of the plane is so steep that I fold over the table. Everyone that I can see is gripping the arm rests with both hands. I can hear screams coming from the back of the plane and to my left. The police officer isn’t saying anything now. The plane levels out and I begin to frantically scan for a seat that I can take. The police officer isn’t getting out of mine. I see one. As I find a seat which is in front of my old one the plane climbs straight up again. I’m folded over the table. Some screams hold on. Items from the passengers are falling to the back of the plane. I think about how much it is going to hurt if I can’t hold on to this table. The plane shakes and starts to lean.

People are passing out. I lay over this table think how odd it is that I am not scared. I’m not screaming. I’m not talking. I’m not even breathing hard. My heart was racing the first climb but now it is normal. I’m a little nervous but hardly even enough to mention. The situation is out of my hands, so I let it be that way. I notice the police officer has a look of terror that is coming off of his face. He is coming to the same terms I came to. Some people have passed out.

I think about the people that are going to be looking for me, or rather what is left of me. I know they will not find me and that makes me sad only because I know it will help someone come to accept what happened.

I will never know if it was weather or a broken plane.

I wake up and I am upset at my lack of emotion. I say awake for an hour before sleep takes me back.

September 29, 2008 at 4:44 pm Leave a comment

Four is a Crowd

I have now lived on a college campus for three plus years. This year I am in an on campus apartment. The apartment is second floor with four bedrooms, and four bathrooms. I only knew one of my roommates before I moved in and it is an all girl apartment.

Bedroom A: is me. senior.

Bedroom B: the roomie I already knew and lived with the year before. This is her third year but she has no major and doesn’t really have a goal. She has an aggressive personality. None of my friends like her they just participate because I am there. She really doesn’t have any friends and is a hypochondriac.

Bedroom C: is a stranger. A girl from Iran with the same major as me. She is shy.

Bedroom D: is engaged so I see a lot of her boyfriend and she is in a thermostat war with me.

I’m an only child and have a hard time sharing space. I hate sharing the kitchen. I want my stuff there when I want to use it; I don’t want to have to wash something first.

This petty drama like thermostat wars, and washing clothes in a noisy washer at all hours is just irrating. I want to be noisy. I don’t like closing doors, just a preference, but with roomies you have to.

When I came to school I was so excited about having a roommate, I was nervous about being a bad roomie. The first roomie didn’t shower for weeks on end and didn’t even change clothes. I had exchange student catch parts of my kitchens on fire. I had a roomie put liquid soap in a dishwasher and didn’t understand why the kitchen was filled with bubbles. Late night lockouts and weeks of silent treatment is a life style that I don’t enjoy.

September 25, 2008 at 12:52 am Leave a comment

Making it

I got my job offer this afternoon from the company I interned with over the summer. I graduate in May and I got my job offer eight months before I can work. I am so excited. I got more money that the highest paid intern from my major last year.

I feel like I am all set.

I have a boyfriend D that I am very excited to have. So everything is really working out. It has been a few years since I was excited about a boy.

September 24, 2008 at 10:20 pm Leave a comment

the next step

So, I do most of my writing from what I know best, which is the adventures of being a 21 year old college senior girl. I go to school in the south and I have chosen a bachelors of science from a male dominated major.

Currently, I have a handful of super best friends (all being males except for one). I am starting a relationship with a very cute and intellectual boy I refer to in this blog as D. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Sept 4!!! I have a passion for photography, and I am thinking about getting my masters in that field.

I live on campus in a very small apartment with three other females. I wish so much to live with boys. Don’t get me wrong though I am pretty girl and have a shoe and bag collection that would scare most. This is my last Fall semester here and I can’t wait to walk across the stage and get my degree in May! I will be graduating a year before D because his major is a five year program. I’m not sure what this role is going to play in my life.

I realized today that however young my relationship is with D, I am very excited at the newness and the simplicity of it. It is a slow going relationship as I have only hugged him. For the most part we only go on double dates, which I’m not a fan of. If you are a boy reading this think about it. On a date, you are trying to impress. You take along a friend thinking that it makes the situation more comfortable but in reality you take your friend. Now your chosen cutie has to deal with three strangers when she is trying you learn about you. You might think that a double date takes some of the pressure off of you but really now you have to hope your friend doesn’t say something that weirds her out. I mean a date is an interview…lets keep it that way.

I worked over the summer as an intern, but right now I don’t have a job. I am hoping that I have saved enough money from the summer to push me though this year. This is the hope.

Here lately I am trying to get into the photography sense. I entered a competition with six of my photos against 500 photos and not a one got in. I was a little discouraged but I want to try again. I think I can do this.

I wanted on a job offer from the company I interned with this summer. I hope hear from them in the next few week. I must hear from them before October.

I kind of feel like I am in a weird limbo like state of life. I’m really not going anywhere right yet but everywhere is in front of me.

September 18, 2008 at 12:02 am Leave a comment

is it in the kiss

Why is it when you start a new relationship with someone everyone feels the need to question the level of bodily contact?

I like this whole not being rushed through a relationship. I am getting to enjoy all the romatic awkward fun.

September 14, 2008 at 11:57 pm Leave a comment

Fear in Clear Dreams

I had a dream last night. It was not a fluid dream, but it was crystal clear. Teeth are a big hang up for me. The dream started with me and a few friends. No particular friends that I can remember now since waking up. I got a stud place above my lip on the right side. A small diamond implanted. Then I was given medicine to make me fall asleep. It really didn’t work completely as I was still conscience. Above my right front tooth a half inch hole was drilled to hold a large diamond. Nothing bad happened to my teeth. The hole was drilled like a cone. It didn’t hurt and everyone around me thought it was really cool. The diamond was placed in. My gums in the dream were much larger than in real life. I looked in the mirror and hated it. I had the diamond taken out immediately. I looked in the hole and saw into my sinus cavity. There was no blood in the whole dream. I saw a metal or grey looking bit back in the cone space drilled into my gums. The plan was to fill the hole with a blue clay like material. I woke up.

I just want to loose that image of me looking into a mirror and seeing that hole in my gums. All day today I have been running my tongue across my front teeth and gums.

I have such vivid dreams. I want a happy one. I want something that doesn’t upset me just to think about.

September 12, 2008 at 12:41 am Leave a comment

Doing Right By Me

I’m dating this guy D, who I met when I first started college. I really like him and we are taking things “slow.” I don’t want to go “fast” but I am kind of axious. I want to do good. I really like him but it feels odd.

It feels odd because I don’t really feel like I know him. I feel like I have an idea about his personality, but I want to know him. I’m ready to invest myself again.

Everyone has a first love. I was stuck on mine, but this summer allowed me to see how one can cloud their own mind. You see only want you want to see because you don’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want to see wrong; I was more open to me being wrong than to seeing wrong in his eyes.

I feel like D, is different. There were mistakes made on both ends with my first real relationship with C now I get to learn and try agian. C wasn’t able to tell me what I meant to him. He wasn’t able to let go and invest in me. You have to let go and give you trust. Sometimes the trust is handed back, but I have faith that someone will hold it tight. Someone will see the importance of my trust.

I think I justĀ  need to chill. This slow thing is best for me. There are just so many things to think about.

September 12, 2008 at 12:28 am Leave a comment

Confidence is a fair weather Friend

Now I stand tall with my confidence by my side

tomorrow I might stand without as he stands before me

September 2, 2008 at 12:08 am Leave a comment

September 2008