too cute

A is for Apple

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real … nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name? Audrey
2. A four-letter word: arch
3. A boy’s name: Avery
4. A girl’s name: Alice
5. An occupation: artist
6. A color: aqua
7. Something you wear: armband
8. A food: artichoke
9. Something found in the bathroom: advil
10. A place: Antarctica
11. A reason for being late: accident
12. Something you shout: Anyone Home?
13. A restaurant: Apple Bee’s
14. Something that describes you: active
15. Favorite Music Artist: Augustana
16. An animal: aardvark
17. A street name: Atlanta St
18. A type of car: Altama
19. A game you played as a child: “a my name is..”
20. A verb: attack

work in progress

Here recently I have been trying to figure out what it is that I deem to be important traits in my friends…

Almost a sort of priority…what is more important loyalty or honestly above all else? What things do I value most? I don’t know yet but I am working on it.

Trust – I think this is still the first one on the list, which I find particularly difficult because I can’t be trusted. I’m just, well their is no excuse, I just like to have too much fun sometimes at the expense of others feelings. I think of it as “putting myself first” or “looking out for me.” Mean things always seem not so bad in the moment. I know that I have been an unfaithful person, yet trust is still a big thing for me. I hate double standards and here I am creating a huge one. I suppose it is all in the hope that I find someone that can “keep me faithful”…that phrase sounds horrible but if you have ever been unfaithful, it makes a lot of sense.

Loyalty- Really goes along with that being faithful business, which I’m not an expert on, but still I find it attractive.

Comfort-Everyone says that they can be themselves with certain people…or rather that you should always be yourself but I am looking more the pick your nose, scratch your butt, burp, sing, dance, cry to, and do whatever in front of kind that isn’t even phased.

Is it weird that I find the qualities that I lack to be sooo attractive? Hmm, I’m sure someone is thinking opposites attract, but I don’t believe that. I don’t want opposite. I want the same but better.

Better….

Through your eyes?

I was laying in bed unable to close my eyelids. I was thinking about my week and mostly the people in my life. I paused a gave some people more though than others, when it hit me…what if they are thinking about me?

Have I made such an impact on anyone to keep them awake?

I’m I in someone’s thoughts right off their sleep tooth and nail with what they want me to be or with what I am?

Government more or less?

In so many books and movies there is the common theme of living without government rule. Whether the characters are dropped on an abandoned island or government is over thrown for whatever reason the people/citizens are left to their own rule. In all these story cases the people revert to their primal “instincts” so to speak and go to fighting each other.

Why are we supposed to be lead to believe that without government we would go all willy nilly. Hmm maybe we would, but government but be formed it doesn’t just happen so what about the stories of development?

With the stories about how we would hold ourselves as people seems to hold a good amount of truth to them, which is depressing that we need a chain of command to behave civilized.

typing l o v e

It is thoughts of love that turn my eyelids into rebells tonight. There are so may types or love and then there are so many ways to express love.

I worry about which type of love I’m going to get because I want the team spirit type. That unites us in all our goals and endeavors and is “pure” without nasty secretive motives but what will I get? Will I even be able to keep any?

A close friend told me once that I was particularly good at pretending to be happy even when I wasn’t. Once it hits you that sometimes not even most of the time, just from time to time, you put up a mask it is odd to register. I feel like I do it because it is part of who I am being strong with emotional build up. Recognizing it as someone else sees it as a falsehood or something to be “worked” through is in so many ways upsetting.

To say I have a hard time with particular emotions is foolish and young to me because I know so many have the same problem and to me it is as if I expect it to be a problem like a battle that if won makes you stronger. The battles are tiresome.

I wish so badly to be a mind reader. I think that would make things easier.

Holiday Joy is Starting to Get to Me

Alright, We are two weeks into December and the Holiday season is in full swing. For the first time in my life the Holiday Season joy is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t now why but apparently everyone, okay so not everyone but all my ex-boyfriends and guy friends have decided to catch the holiday cheer bug or whatever it is that is going around making everyone feel “emotional.”

So far, my most recent ex-boyfriend has chosen to tell me that as soon as I break up with my current boyfriend he will take me back in a flash. Which I could assume would be reassuring if I wasn’t thrilled with my current relationship. As a side note, let it be known that this is the ex-boyfriend that asked me while we were dating if he should continue to date me or if he should date a high school crush that recently showed interest instead…yeah I can really pick them.

Next in line would be the ex-boyfriend before the previously mentioned. This one chose to let me know that he would wait for me; like a until I was ready to go/come back to him sort of thing. He let me know that he would like to marry me to…view previous blog to read about my thoughts on marriage…https://merelyobservation.wordpress.com/2008/10/13/i-do/

Lastly there is my best friend from high school that is fighting in Iraq, I only get to “talk” to him online. He let me know that he deeply regrets never dating me in high school. He let me know that he can’t wait to get back to the states to see me and for some reason he wants to cook for me, which I thought was odd.

Why is it when you are single everyone is okay with just being your friend, but as soon as you are happily dating they just can’t resist you?

I’m thinking this is just a result from the joyful holiday season that will past with the new year. It is up setting to have to turn down guys you consider a good friend because you know that it sucks, being turned down that is. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on, because everyone knows about my current relationship status.

Being desired after a high school experience of being undesirable is still weird to me. I suppose I should be flattered but instead it is frustrated having to upset and irritate my friends.

Just a question

I’ve always heard that relationships are work but are they really? When do they stop being fun and start requiring work?

Maybe I should not say “stop being fun,” but when do you have to start making a serious enough effort to start calling it work?

Rose Colored Glasses

How do you know that you are seeing someone for who they really are and not for who you want them to be?
In this “new” relationship, I don’t really get to see my boyfriend that much. Sometimes I feel like I have a good idea of who he is as a person and other times I wonder if I honestly know him. There is a saying that you can never truly know someone but at a point you can predict their behavior and just know their answers to questions. Either this one is a tough read or I am trying to rush the process along. I find myself thinking about him frequently. He is now the person I think about the most. I dream about him in normal situations.
I don’t think this is fear; I think it is nerves.
How can I believe this one will work when there is no relationship that I envy or can model after?
After all the failed relationship I have seen I find myself interested in myself because I have not given up on this idea on loving someone and staying in love with someone for a lifetime. How can you have faith in an idea that you have never seen followed through?

the next step

Physical intimacy clearly has several levels. The more I think about it the beginning or new relationship levels like kissing and hand holding and hugging are the most meaningful to the development of a relationship. Physical intimacy after than is a development off of trust but is not a requirement for trust.
For example when a person is in a emotionally stressed state the contact that often offered is very basic and cherished at those moments.
Can one say that the majority of bonding is in the hands and lips? Not to say it is a most but it a basic building block for relationship development.
When someone is sick in a hospital bed you just squeeze their hand, this to me makes it an essential so to say. I like the point that was made at there a number of case where physical intimacy is an impossibility yet still the relationship develops and becomes strong. I’m just trying to weed through the development of a dating sort of relationship.

In a day and age when a more intense physical intimacy is more common place does the human emotion and brain still value it as much as when couple has to wait for marriage to do more than hold hands? Or has the human emotion factor and brain not “evolved” as fast as trends. In a sense you are lead to say that intense physical intimacy my just be for pleasure and that the brain acknowledges just that which is how we were lead to the free love type movement.