Posts tagged ‘Decisions’

work in progress

Here recently I have been trying to figure out what it is that I deem to be important traits in my friends…

Almost a sort of priority…what is more important loyalty or honestly above all else? What things do I value most? I don’t know yet but I am working on it.

Trust – I think this is still the first one on the list, which I find particularly difficult because I can’t be trusted. I’m just, well their is no excuse, I just like to have too much fun sometimes at the expense of others feelings. I think of it as “putting myself first” or “looking out for me.” Mean things always seem not so bad in the moment. I know that I have been an unfaithful person, yet trust is still a big thing for me. I hate double standards and here I am creating a huge one. I suppose it is all in the hope that I find someone that can “keep me faithful”…that phrase sounds horrible but if you have ever been unfaithful, it makes a lot of sense.

Loyalty- Really goes along with that being faithful business, which I’m not an expert on, but still I find it attractive.

Comfort-Everyone says that they can be themselves with certain people…or rather that you should always be yourself but I am looking more the pick your nose, scratch your butt, burp, sing, dance, cry to, and do whatever in front of kind that isn’t even phased.

Is it weird that I find the qualities that I lack to be sooo attractive? Hmm, I’m sure someone is thinking opposites attract, but I don’t believe that. I don’t want opposite. I want the same but better.


February 5, 2009 at 3:38 am Leave a comment

Holiday Joy is Starting to Get to Me

Alright, We are two weeks into December and the Holiday season is in full swing. For the first time in my life the Holiday Season joy is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t now why but apparently everyone, okay so not everyone but all my ex-boyfriends and guy friends have decided to catch the holiday cheer bug or whatever it is that is going around making everyone feel “emotional.”

So far, my most recent ex-boyfriend has chosen to tell me that as soon as I break up with my current boyfriend he will take me back in a flash. Which I could assume would be reassuring if I wasn’t thrilled with my current relationship. As a side note, let it be known that this is the ex-boyfriend that asked me while we were dating if he should continue to date me or if he should date a high school crush that recently showed interest instead…yeah I can really pick them.

Next in line would be the ex-boyfriend before the previously mentioned. This one chose to let me know that he would wait for me; like a until I was ready to go/come back to him sort of thing. He let me know that he would like to marry me to…view previous blog to read about my thoughts on marriage…

Lastly there is my best friend from high school that is fighting in Iraq, I only get to “talk” to him online. He let me know that he deeply regrets never dating me in high school. He let me know that he can’t wait to get back to the states to see me and for some reason he wants to cook for me, which I thought was odd.

Why is it when you are single everyone is okay with just being your friend, but as soon as you are happily dating they just can’t resist you?

I’m thinking this is just a result from the joyful holiday season that will past with the new year. It is up setting to have to turn down guys you consider a good friend because you know that it sucks, being turned down that is. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on, because everyone knows about my current relationship status.

Being desired after a high school experience of being undesirable is still weird to me. I suppose I should be flattered but instead it is frustrated having to upset and irritate my friends.

December 11, 2008 at 12:11 am Leave a comment

Being Pursued

A senior in college only ten more month before I walk across the stage and out of the lives of so many people I call friends. I have a problem. A problem with making decisions about my personal life.

C, my ex and best friend, appears to be pursuing me again. My most recent crush has taken me on my first double date in over a year, on here I call him D. I think I know what will make me happiest but I have a horrible tendency of changing my mind.

I really have no one to talk over the situation with. No one will ever see the world through your eyes. I have a room-mate but she doesn’t understand my situation. You can never tell if someone has felt as you have once felt, but the laws of nature train you to believe that no one is like you that you are a snowflake. I don’t believe we are all completely different, and unique.

Should I follow my heart even though it may lead me back down a path I have already travel, or should I encourage my heart to look else where? You may not be able to choose who you love but maybe I could aim my affections to either say inside to go else where.

I think D is different because I feel like there is something on the line to gain or to loose.

During the day C gets upset so easily but he has a way of seducing me when the sun goes down. I want just to lye with him. I miss cuddling; I have never thought myself much for cuddling but I still want to.

I have such horrible nightmares that visit me regularly. I now don’t dread the nightmare, I expect them. They have almost become a measure of how deeply I slept. Company I know I should not depend on but slowly realizing how comforting another can be if you let them.

I love my independent personality. I don’t want to lose it. I’m happy, but lonely.

Why so young am I tired of getting hurt by the way others drop me?

August 26, 2008 at 12:16 am Leave a comment

In the Business of Confusion

After analysing the situation and realized that there is minimal risk to someone connecting this blog to me, I have decided to be more honest instead of just ‘venty.’

I have a problem of choice. I’m in my last year of college, and I can’t wait to walk across the stage, but it is a year. This school year has just started. I’m happy, but it is lonely. I have only been in two real relationship my college career because I have been on again off again with “C” since I was a freshman. “C” goes to the same college as me but under a different major. Yes, I still talk to him even now as a single girl. He is a great friend; He cheated on me once. He kissed another girl and told me able it but I wasn’t ever able to trust him again. Even now a year later I couldn’t trust him, that unfortunately doesn’t mean that I don’t have really strong feelings for him. I think the feelings are fading though..slowly, but definitely fading and I think he sees that. The last few weeks he has been really nice to me, almost in a dating sort of way. I know what kind of person he is, or I guess I should rephrase that and say that I think I know what kind of person he is and deep down he is a good person. His temper is really starting to show here lately and that is distasteful to me.

This past summer I went out of state to work. C, went to Germany for three months. The first month apart we talked on line and he even called me. Stupid me confessed love in an email (I’m still hoping it was just a product of loneliness). He never responded and when I brought it up over an instant message chat he told me that he didn’t want to argue with me that he just want to enjoy his European experience. Mind you I went over seas the previous summer and maintained constant contact with him. Anyway, after that spill over instant message we really didn’t talk to much just a little like once or so a week. He promised to call me on a particular Saturday, and that never happened. The call never happened yet he was calling other people. He never emailed. He is now like me back in school and calls me frequently but still has not addressed me in the feelings department. Since that relationship is leaving me feeling rather high and dry, I was talking to one of my best friends LW on the subject.

LW is a great guy. Amazing might be a better word, but I just don’t hold romantic feelings for him. I wish I did, but I can’t make myself…I tried. He has been telling me that I appear much happier since I left for my summer to work. I feel more content with life, I really do. LW doesn’t think I approach the relationship situation like I should. I come at it at the angle that it is going to hurt me. The relationship is fire and I am going to get burned. I told him that someday I think it is all going to change when I meet someone that makes me nervous, like gitty. I had not found someone like that until I left for work this summer. I don’t want to be over powered but I don’t want to be over powering either. I feel like sometimes I just come at relationship with so much self confidence I don’t invest myself because I don’t need to but there for nothing goes in and I get nothing out of it.

When I went out of state to work, there was one person who I went on a date with before I left that emailed me the whole time I was away and continues to email me now. He visited my new apartment as soon as I got back from out of state. D makes me gitty. The “I don’t want to mess this up” feeling is pretty constant around him. D and I met in college. We go to the same college just in different majors. He is in a five year program and I am in a four year program. We are both on schedule in school, so I will graduate this spring and he will graduate next spring. D has been very supportive in the post C moments. D and I are good friends and I don’t want to say to much and mess up what I have because I like what I have. I just see a potential for more.

Sometimes I think I really don’t know D though. Although, every time I think that I think of how I thought I knew C so well and the kissing the other girl thing came as a complete shock (I think he did more than kiss).

I’m an old fashioned girl. I don’t like messing around in relationships. That is not to say I never cheated on anyone. I date one guy last year after the last C and I break up to make sure I wouldn’t go back to C. I know it wasn’t right to date him for that because this guy really liked me. I was wicked and dated him to make sure I didn’t run back to C but I slept with C while dating him. The weirdest thing is how I could use that boy and feel no guilt. I never told that boy I cheated on him. I figured there was no point. It would only hurt him so we broke up for other reasons that I made up.

Anyway, back on topic, I graduate in a year and I have major crush on D. I don’t know if people say crush anymore but that is what this is. He is super cute to boot. My roommate says that I should confess my infatuation to D, but I don’t have the nerve. We went on a double date last week to the movie with his roommate and girlfriend. When I was time to leave I stood with him on the drive what all awkward and just hugged him and left. I mean REALLY if you would have seen me you would have thought I was in high school. I don’t know how to handle the situation as I have not pursued someone since C. the guy I dated after C was just the first one to glance sideways at me. D has potential.

I have talked my way into a movie night on Thursday with D. A vampire movie night as be both love vampire movies. We email each other about four or five times each. He has me checking my inbox like crazy. Should I just wait and let him make the move?

August 25, 2008 at 12:28 am 2 comments

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