Archive for August, 2008

Being Pursued

A senior in college only ten more month before I walk across the stage and out of the lives of so many people I call friends. I have a problem. A problem with making decisions about my personal life.

C, my ex and best friend, appears to be pursuing me again. My most recent crush has taken me on my first double date in over a year, on here I call him D. I think I know what will make me happiest but I have a horrible tendency of changing my mind.

I really have no one to talk over the situation with. No one will ever see the world through your eyes. I have a room-mate but she doesn’t understand my situation. You can never tell if someone has felt as you have once felt, but the laws of nature train you to believe that no one is like you that you are a snowflake. I don’t believe we are all completely different, and unique.

Should I follow my heart even though it may lead me back down a path I have already travel, or should I encourage my heart to look else where? You may not be able to choose who you love but maybe I could aim my affections to either say inside to go else where.

I think D is different because I feel like there is something on the line to gain or to loose.

During the day C gets upset so easily but he has a way of seducing me when the sun goes down. I want just to lye with him. I miss cuddling; I have never thought myself much for cuddling but I still want to.

I have such horrible nightmares that visit me regularly. I now don’t dread the nightmare, I expect them. They have almost become a measure of how deeply I slept. Company I know I should not depend on but slowly realizing how comforting another can be if you let them.

I love my independent personality. I don’t want to lose it. I’m happy, but lonely.

Why so young am I tired of getting hurt by the way others drop me?

August 26, 2008 at 12:16 am Leave a comment

In the Business of Confusion

After analysing the situation and realized that there is minimal risk to someone connecting this blog to me, I have decided to be more honest instead of just ‘venty.’

I have a problem of choice. I’m in my last year of college, and I can’t wait to walk across the stage, but it is a year. This school year has just started. I’m happy, but it is lonely. I have only been in two real relationship my college career because I have been on again off again with “C” since I was a freshman. “C” goes to the same college as me but under a different major. Yes, I still talk to him even now as a single girl. He is a great friend; He cheated on me once. He kissed another girl and told me able it but I wasn’t ever able to trust him again. Even now a year later I couldn’t trust him, that unfortunately doesn’t mean that I don’t have really strong feelings for him. I think the feelings are fading though..slowly, but definitely fading and I think he sees that. The last few weeks he has been really nice to me, almost in a dating sort of way. I know what kind of person he is, or I guess I should rephrase that and say that I think I know what kind of person he is and deep down he is a good person. His temper is really starting to show here lately and that is distasteful to me.

This past summer I went out of state to work. C, went to Germany for three months. The first month apart we talked on line and he even called me. Stupid me confessed love in an email (I’m still hoping it was just a product of loneliness). He never responded and when I brought it up over an instant message chat he told me that he didn’t want to argue with me that he just want to enjoy his European experience. Mind you I went over seas the previous summer and maintained constant contact with him. Anyway, after that spill over instant message we really didn’t talk to much just a little like once or so a week. He promised to call me on a particular Saturday, and that never happened. The call never happened yet he was calling other people. He never emailed. He is now like me back in school and calls me frequently but still has not addressed me in the feelings department. Since that relationship is leaving me feeling rather high and dry, I was talking to one of my best friends LW on the subject.

LW is a great guy. Amazing might be a better word, but I just don’t hold romantic feelings for him. I wish I did, but I can’t make myself…I tried. He has been telling me that I appear much happier since I left for my summer to work. I feel more content with life, I really do. LW doesn’t think I approach the relationship situation like I should. I come at it at the angle that it is going to hurt me. The relationship is fire and I am going to get burned. I told him that someday I think it is all going to change when I meet someone that makes me nervous, like gitty. I had not found someone like that until I left for work this summer. I don’t want to be over powered but I don’t want to be over powering either. I feel like sometimes I just come at relationship with so much self confidence I don’t invest myself because I don’t need to but there for nothing goes in and I get nothing out of it.

When I went out of state to work, there was one person who I went on a date with before I left that emailed me the whole time I was away and continues to email me now. He visited my new apartment as soon as I got back from out of state. D makes me gitty. The “I don’t want to mess this up” feeling is pretty constant around him. D and I met in college. We go to the same college just in different majors. He is in a five year program and I am in a four year program. We are both on schedule in school, so I will graduate this spring and he will graduate next spring. D has been very supportive in the post C moments. D and I are good friends and I don’t want to say to much and mess up what I have because I like what I have. I just see a potential for more.

Sometimes I think I really don’t know D though. Although, every time I think that I think of how I thought I knew C so well and the kissing the other girl thing came as a complete shock (I think he did more than kiss).

I’m an old fashioned girl. I don’t like messing around in relationships. That is not to say I never cheated on anyone. I date one guy last year after the last C and I break up to make sure I wouldn’t go back to C. I know it wasn’t right to date him for that because this guy really liked me. I was wicked and dated him to make sure I didn’t run back to C but I slept with C while dating him. The weirdest thing is how I could use that boy and feel no guilt. I never told that boy I cheated on him. I figured there was no point. It would only hurt him so we broke up for other reasons that I made up.

Anyway, back on topic, I graduate in a year and I have major crush on D. I don’t know if people say crush anymore but that is what this is. He is super cute to boot. My roommate says that I should confess my infatuation to D, but I don’t have the nerve. We went on a double date last week to the movie with his roommate and girlfriend. When I was time to leave I stood with him on the drive what all awkward and just hugged him and left. I mean REALLY if you would have seen me you would have thought I was in high school. I don’t know how to handle the situation as I have not pursued someone since C. the guy I dated after C was just the first one to glance sideways at me. D has potential.

I have talked my way into a movie night on Thursday with D. A vampire movie night as be both love vampire movies. We email each other about four or five times each. He has me checking my inbox like crazy. Should I just wait and let him make the move?

August 25, 2008 at 12:28 am 2 comments

Friends new and Friends old

I have a tough time with the expanding of the friend group. I think I am like a four friend kind of girl no more. I have good friends, but sometimes I think I could be a much better friend if I wasn’t always looking for new friends.

I just get nervous about the quality of my friendship, but yet I don’t invest as much of myself as I used to.

I would say that I am not trying to avoid anyone, but that would be a lie. Some people just hold too much sway over certain other people. I don’t want to have a replay of previous years. I want something new, something that makes me happy. One of my close friends told me that I look really happy here lately and honestly I don’t know what the actually cause is, but I know I don’t want to lose it. It is just so easy to sip back in to where I was and the thought of no progress is extremely depressing. This avoidance makes me feel like I am running though. I’m not a runner I don’t think, but these feels a awful lot like fear. What I fear the most is that the fear is not the right kind of fear, but it must be.

I’m more edgy. I think I am just nervous whether or not I am doing the right thing. I just feel like for so long I was doing the easy road instead of the road meant for me. I don’t know if I just need to get tougher or what the deal is. I just want to do right so badly now. I want to do right for myself. I think there has been a lot of making the easy choice or the want choice instead of the “what I should do” type choice. This is the year of change.

I see so many people repeating their cycles like I do and I think they are shameful for not growing up. So I think this is my time to step up and make a real effort to do right for myself. I am very hypercritical on this subject of doing right for oneself, but no longer. I think I just need to understand that I am going to make ‘wrong’/’bad’ choices but I will be forgiven if they are honest. I need to be more honest.

I think you can say too much and normally I do. Here lately I have been just sitting back though and watching now it is my turn if I can be honest to say my mind. The problem still lies in making up my mind. If only ‘right’ could be easy too!

August 23, 2008 at 4:13 am Leave a comment

Can You Ever?

Can you ever say too much?

Words make and break so many things, can I say too much and loose what I already have? I’m happy with what I have but I think I want to ask for a little more? Asking for more might at least crack what I have or shine a different light on it.

Should I just throw it out there? What can’t I be brave? These words might be too heavy what can I do instead? I can’t remember when I was this nervous…I’m confidence in everything, but this has potential.

I think waiting might be bad too. I don’t want to mess it up. Timing is too tricky.

I think that some people have said too much to me so I suppose that means that you can say too much…and now this might be me trying to talk myself out of it…

August 22, 2008 at 5:23 am Leave a comment

College Classroom Guidelines

  1. Vague indirect questions from professors seen to plague this program.
  2. You can participate too much in class. (freshmen)
  3. Never be the first to answer a question because even when your answer is right it will be called incorrect as by the default programming in the brains of the professors. To answer first means there will be minimal discussion in their minds, thus removing the need for a two hour classroom slot.
  4. Yes, in college there is still assigned seating.
  5. First row seating is a no, no foot rests, and no coloring.
  6. Edge/wall seating makes sleeping too easy.
  7. Back wall seating is bad in old professors classes becaus they tend to whisper inportant points like they are special secrets.
  8. If you are not an auditory learner you are going to be hurting in business classes.
  9. Once in class never look at the clock, it some how magically makes time slow down every time you look into the face of the clock.
  10. Religion will be brought up in 70% of the classes; welcome to the south.
  11. There really is no such thing as honest discussion in class: discussion = opportunity for professors to argue their opinion with themselves
  12. Twenty years from now scientists will discover that overhead classroom projectors are harmful to the eyes.
  13. The whole, “if your professor is ten minutes late you can just left” never applies. It is a myth, completely and totally. Written nowhere and spoken everywhere. Just sit down and wait you have nothing else to do because you were already planning to go to class.

August 20, 2008 at 7:50 pm Leave a comment

Summer’s End

So this is the end of three months in St. Louis for my internship. It was good fun and went a lot faster than I thought it would.

You never know what kind of people you are going to meet. You go in thinking it is all business and you leave with great friendships.

First impressions seem even more important than they did at the beginning and I have always thought them a big deal. People pass judgement sometimes before the first word leaves your mouth.

I did enjoy my time here. I saw a lot. I did a lot.

August 9, 2008 at 3:51 am Leave a comment

Salt Water

Timeless fears pouring salt into open wounds
Burning tears and soundless screams

the collision is predictable
the costs can be estimated
the pain will be measured
the silence will be forgotten

will the lesson be learned
will the trust be rebuilt

it is all out of scale
the perspective is skewed
a message is mumbled

the words are put in an order
that only crushes what is left

a barrier will be built and a warning system created
avoidance will be the new measure

August 2, 2008 at 5:02 am Leave a comment

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