work in progress

Here recently I have been trying to figure out what it is that I deem to be important traits in my friends…

Almost a sort of priority…what is more important loyalty or honestly above all else? What things do I value most? I don’t know yet but I am working on it.

Trust – I think this is still the first one on the list, which I find particularly difficult because I can’t be trusted. I’m just, well their is no excuse, I just like to have too much fun sometimes at the expense of others feelings. I think of it as “putting myself first” or “looking out for me.” Mean things always seem not so bad in the moment. I know that I have been an unfaithful person, yet trust is still a big thing for me. I hate double standards and here I am creating a huge one. I suppose it is all in the hope that I find someone that can “keep me faithful”…that phrase sounds horrible but if you have ever been unfaithful, it makes a lot of sense.

Loyalty- Really goes along with that being faithful business, which I’m not an expert on, but still I find it attractive.

Comfort-Everyone says that they can be themselves with certain people…or rather that you should always be yourself but I am looking more the pick your nose, scratch your butt, burp, sing, dance, cry to, and do whatever in front of kind that isn’t even phased.

Is it weird that I find the qualities that I lack to be sooo attractive? Hmm, I’m sure someone is thinking opposites attract, but I don’t believe that. I don’t want opposite. I want the same but better.

Better….

typing l o v e

It is thoughts of love that turn my eyelids into rebells tonight. There are so may types or love and then there are so many ways to express love.

I worry about which type of love I’m going to get because I want the team spirit type. That unites us in all our goals and endeavors and is “pure” without nasty secretive motives but what will I get? Will I even be able to keep any?

A close friend told me once that I was particularly good at pretending to be happy even when I wasn’t. Once it hits you that sometimes not even most of the time, just from time to time, you put up a mask it is odd to register. I feel like I do it because it is part of who I am being strong with emotional build up. Recognizing it as someone else sees it as a falsehood or something to be “worked” through is in so many ways upsetting.

To say I have a hard time with particular emotions is foolish and young to me because I know so many have the same problem and to me it is as if I expect it to be a problem like a battle that if won makes you stronger. The battles are tiresome.

I wish so badly to be a mind reader. I think that would make things easier.

Holiday Joy is Starting to Get to Me

Alright, We are two weeks into December and the Holiday season is in full swing. For the first time in my life the Holiday Season joy is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t now why but apparently everyone, okay so not everyone but all my ex-boyfriends and guy friends have decided to catch the holiday cheer bug or whatever it is that is going around making everyone feel “emotional.”

So far, my most recent ex-boyfriend has chosen to tell me that as soon as I break up with my current boyfriend he will take me back in a flash. Which I could assume would be reassuring if I wasn’t thrilled with my current relationship. As a side note, let it be known that this is the ex-boyfriend that asked me while we were dating if he should continue to date me or if he should date a high school crush that recently showed interest instead…yeah I can really pick them.

Next in line would be the ex-boyfriend before the previously mentioned. This one chose to let me know that he would wait for me; like a until I was ready to go/come back to him sort of thing. He let me know that he would like to marry me to…view previous blog to read about my thoughts on marriage…https://merelyobservation.wordpress.com/2008/10/13/i-do/

Lastly there is my best friend from high school that is fighting in Iraq, I only get to “talk” to him online. He let me know that he deeply regrets never dating me in high school. He let me know that he can’t wait to get back to the states to see me and for some reason he wants to cook for me, which I thought was odd.

Why is it when you are single everyone is okay with just being your friend, but as soon as you are happily dating they just can’t resist you?

I’m thinking this is just a result from the joyful holiday season that will past with the new year. It is up setting to have to turn down guys you consider a good friend because you know that it sucks, being turned down that is. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on, because everyone knows about my current relationship status.

Being desired after a high school experience of being undesirable is still weird to me. I suppose I should be flattered but instead it is frustrated having to upset and irritate my friends.

Rose Colored Glasses

How do you know that you are seeing someone for who they really are and not for who you want them to be?
In this “new” relationship, I don’t really get to see my boyfriend that much. Sometimes I feel like I have a good idea of who he is as a person and other times I wonder if I honestly know him. There is a saying that you can never truly know someone but at a point you can predict their behavior and just know their answers to questions. Either this one is a tough read or I am trying to rush the process along. I find myself thinking about him frequently. He is now the person I think about the most. I dream about him in normal situations.
I don’t think this is fear; I think it is nerves.
How can I believe this one will work when there is no relationship that I envy or can model after?
After all the failed relationship I have seen I find myself interested in myself because I have not given up on this idea on loving someone and staying in love with someone for a lifetime. How can you have faith in an idea that you have never seen followed through?

the next step

Physical intimacy clearly has several levels. The more I think about it the beginning or new relationship levels like kissing and hand holding and hugging are the most meaningful to the development of a relationship. Physical intimacy after than is a development off of trust but is not a requirement for trust.
For example when a person is in a emotionally stressed state the contact that often offered is very basic and cherished at those moments.
Can one say that the majority of bonding is in the hands and lips? Not to say it is a most but it a basic building block for relationship development.
When someone is sick in a hospital bed you just squeeze their hand, this to me makes it an essential so to say. I like the point that was made at there a number of case where physical intimacy is an impossibility yet still the relationship develops and becomes strong. I’m just trying to weed through the development of a dating sort of relationship.

In a day and age when a more intense physical intimacy is more common place does the human emotion and brain still value it as much as when couple has to wait for marriage to do more than hold hands? Or has the human emotion factor and brain not “evolved” as fast as trends. In a sense you are lead to say that intense physical intimacy my just be for pleasure and that the brain acknowledges just that which is how we were lead to the free love type movement.

Intimacy

How important is the physical side of a relationship really?
Okay this may sound like a odd question but on the mental level what kind of intimacy is needed for strong bonding if any?

If you can’t hold still maybe you should Move

It is interesting to me that I have lived in this apartment for three months, a quarter of a year, and I have not cried here. I have not cried in a relatively long time for me.

So either I have started prioritizing stress better or I have removed stress from my life. I think both thinks happened. With my family, I know I have made them proud and that they are always there. With my personal life I think I have grown up again.

Every year I think, “woo I have grown up a lot since last year.” Every year I believe that is a true statement. Last year as a junior I broke up with my best friend again and started dating a boy I was dating purely so I would not go back to my old relationship.

Lesson learned broken is broken. You can’t fix what can’t help itself. In this relationship that was just a relationship for the sake of keeping me out of the single category I became a cheater.
I believe that I am good at seeing things or situations from others people perspective but in this case or rather in his case I didn’t care. I saw him as a generally selfish person that was dating me for bragging right among his friends so I did whatever I wanted whenever it hit me. Lied and mostly just said nothing. Looking back I still don’t feel sorry for it and I even talk to that guy I was dating on occasion. Never told him never will.

It weirds me out that I don’t feel sorry but I guess I just didn’t feel anything for him. We were both using each other.

In my new relationship I don’t want to even be seen in other boy’s car because – don’t want it getting back to my boyfriend. (We go to a small college where the slightest possibility of drama spreads like wild fire.)
After I cheated on that old ex boyfriend I began to worry that if once a cheater always a cheater but I now see that is not the case. I didn’t cheat before that guy not ever and I could never now I am too happy.
What I am saying I guess is if you can’t hold still maybe you should move.

alone on campus

What is the point of being in a relationship?
I ask myself this question rather frequently now that I am in a relationship and going to move out of state while the significant other stays here. I ask myself this when I am alone. But I am happy when I am with him. Maybe I am just still very unsure of myself because of past experiences in relationships. I don’t know why I am so worried about it this all should be easy.
Ladies say that men are pigs and just want that one thing but why is this one so different. This relationship has near no physical contact and as a 21 year old on my own, independent female I feel this is odd. Can a relationship go too slow?
Maybe I just need more contact but if I want this to work after I leave I am going to need to deal with limited contact.
When I’m not in a relationship I am very independent but once I get in a relationship a develop a neediness and I am unsure if that is so wrong yet in never seems to have a place to fit in.

I do?

Weddings are going to be a thing of the past. It is tradition that I don’t think I will conform to.

I am don’t believe in organized religion and weddings are a religious ceremony.

If you are a truthful in your relationship why do you need to be married? Now a days couples keep everything separate, and with finances being the number one conflict with relationship it makes perfect sense. I don’t see what would change with a marriage.

A few people think I say this because I don’t want to change my last name but that is not the point at all. I wouldn’t mind changing my name, it is not the point at all.

I would hope that nothing would change about my relationship because I would already be in a strong and honest relationship.

it is the Little Things

Everyone says it is in the little things but I know.

My boyfriend is swamped with homework, but he takes an hour break to rescue me from myself.

This relationship lacks a physical intimacy which is new for me. I have never had a boyfriend that wasn’t interested about spending the night with me. The part that makes me said with that is that I wonder if he knows I am into him. I think he does.

Can you image being in a relationship for the first time that lacked physical intimacy?

I’m still nervous about this relationship because for the first time in years someone could hurt me. D could make me cry and I don’t like being that vulnerable. Maybe I am wrong for calling it vulnerable?

I’m always excited to claim him as my boyfriend. Next week he gets to meet the parents…A little nervous about it because I really like him but he isn’t like anyone I have ever liked before.

I was blogging about my dreams for a while, but in over a month I have not had a nightmare. I think I might be nervous but my head is happy with where I am at.

I think I need to listen more to my gut. I have almost lost all my acid reflux and nightmares are at an all time low.

When your brain is relaxed, does that mean that you are subconscious relaxed?