In the Business of Confusion
After analysing the situation and realized that there is minimal risk to someone connecting this blog to me, I have decided to be more honest instead of just ‘venty.’
I have a problem of choice. I’m in my last year of college, and I can’t wait to walk across the stage, but it is a year. This school year has just started. I’m happy, but it is lonely. I have only been in two real relationship my college career because I have been on again off again with “C” since I was a freshman. “C” goes to the same college as me but under a different major. Yes, I still talk to him even now as a single girl. He is a great friend; He cheated on me once. He kissed another girl and told me able it but I wasn’t ever able to trust him again. Even now a year later I couldn’t trust him, that unfortunately doesn’t mean that I don’t have really strong feelings for him. I think the feelings are fading though..slowly, but definitely fading and I think he sees that. The last few weeks he has been really nice to me, almost in a dating sort of way. I know what kind of person he is, or I guess I should rephrase that and say that I think I know what kind of person he is and deep down he is a good person. His temper is really starting to show here lately and that is distasteful to me.
This past summer I went out of state to work. C, went to Germany for three months. The first month apart we talked on line and he even called me. Stupid me confessed love in an email (I’m still hoping it was just a product of loneliness). He never responded and when I brought it up over an instant message chat he told me that he didn’t want to argue with me that he just want to enjoy his European experience. Mind you I went over seas the previous summer and maintained constant contact with him. Anyway, after that spill over instant message we really didn’t talk to much just a little like once or so a week. He promised to call me on a particular Saturday, and that never happened. The call never happened yet he was calling other people. He never emailed. He is now like me back in school and calls me frequently but still has not addressed me in the feelings department. Since that relationship is leaving me feeling rather high and dry, I was talking to one of my best friends LW on the subject.
LW is a great guy. Amazing might be a better word, but I just don’t hold romantic feelings for him. I wish I did, but I can’t make myself…I tried. He has been telling me that I appear much happier since I left for my summer to work. I feel more content with life, I really do. LW doesn’t think I approach the relationship situation like I should. I come at it at the angle that it is going to hurt me. The relationship is fire and I am going to get burned. I told him that someday I think it is all going to change when I meet someone that makes me nervous, like gitty. I had not found someone like that until I left for work this summer. I don’t want to be over powered but I don’t want to be over powering either. I feel like sometimes I just come at relationship with so much self confidence I don’t invest myself because I don’t need to but there for nothing goes in and I get nothing out of it.
When I went out of state to work, there was one person who I went on a date with before I left that emailed me the whole time I was away and continues to email me now. He visited my new apartment as soon as I got back from out of state. D makes me gitty. The “I don’t want to mess this up” feeling is pretty constant around him. D and I met in college. We go to the same college just in different majors. He is in a five year program and I am in a four year program. We are both on schedule in school, so I will graduate this spring and he will graduate next spring. D has been very supportive in the post C moments. D and I are good friends and I don’t want to say to much and mess up what I have because I like what I have. I just see a potential for more.
Sometimes I think I really don’t know D though. Although, every time I think that I think of how I thought I knew C so well and the kissing the other girl thing came as a complete shock (I think he did more than kiss).
I’m an old fashioned girl. I don’t like messing around in relationships. That is not to say I never cheated on anyone. I date one guy last year after the last C and I break up to make sure I wouldn’t go back to C. I know it wasn’t right to date him for that because this guy really liked me. I was wicked and dated him to make sure I didn’t run back to C but I slept with C while dating him. The weirdest thing is how I could use that boy and feel no guilt. I never told that boy I cheated on him. I figured there was no point. It would only hurt him so we broke up for other reasons that I made up.
Anyway, back on topic, I graduate in a year and I have major crush on D. I don’t know if people say crush anymore but that is what this is. He is super cute to boot. My roommate says that I should confess my infatuation to D, but I don’t have the nerve. We went on a double date last week to the movie with his roommate and girlfriend. When I was time to leave I stood with him on the drive what all awkward and just hugged him and left. I mean REALLY if you would have seen me you would have thought I was in high school. I don’t know how to handle the situation as I have not pursued someone since C. the guy I dated after C was just the first one to glance sideways at me. D has potential.
I have talked my way into a movie night on Thursday with D. A vampire movie night as be both love vampire movies. We email each other about four or five times each. He has me checking my inbox like crazy. Should I just wait and let him make the move?