Friends new and Friends old

August 23, 2008 at 4:13 am Leave a comment

I have a tough time with the expanding of the friend group. I think I am like a four friend kind of girl no more. I have good friends, but sometimes I think I could be a much better friend if I wasn’t always looking for new friends.

I just get nervous about the quality of my friendship, but yet I don’t invest as much of myself as I used to.

I would say that I am not trying to avoid anyone, but that would be a lie. Some people just hold too much sway over certain other people. I don’t want to have a replay of previous years. I want something new, something that makes me happy. One of my close friends told me that I look really happy here lately and honestly I don’t know what the actually cause is, but I know I don’t want to lose it. It is just so easy to sip back in to where I was and the thought of no progress is extremely depressing. This avoidance makes me feel like I am running though. I’m not a runner I don’t think, but these feels a awful lot like fear. What I fear the most is that the fear is not the right kind of fear, but it must be.

I’m more edgy. I think I am just nervous whether or not I am doing the right thing. I just feel like for so long I was doing the easy road instead of the road meant for me. I don’t know if I just need to get tougher or what the deal is. I just want to do right so badly now. I want to do right for myself. I think there has been a lot of making the easy choice or the want choice instead of the “what I should do” type choice. This is the year of change.

I see so many people repeating their cycles like I do and I think they are shameful for not growing up. So I think this is my time to step up and make a real effort to do right for myself. I am very hypercritical on this subject of doing right for oneself, but no longer. I think I just need to understand that I am going to make ‘wrong’/’bad’ choices but I will be forgiven if they are honest. I need to be more honest.

I think you can say too much and normally I do. Here lately I have been just sitting back though and watching now it is my turn if I can be honest to say my mind. The problem still lies in making up my mind. If only ‘right’ could be easy too!


Entry filed under: Nightly Check-in, Poolside Confession. Tags: , , , , , .

Can You Ever? In the Business of Confusion

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