Friends new and Friends old

I have a tough time with the expanding of the friend group. I think I am like a four friend kind of girl no more. I have good friends, but sometimes I think I could be a much better friend if I wasn’t always looking for new friends.

I just get nervous about the quality of my friendship, but yet I don’t invest as much of myself as I used to.

I would say that I am not trying to avoid anyone, but that would be a lie. Some people just hold too much sway over certain other people. I don’t want to have a replay of previous years. I want something new, something that makes me happy. One of my close friends told me that I look really happy here lately and honestly I don’t know what the actually cause is, but I know I don’t want to lose it. It is just so easy to sip back in to where I was and the thought of no progress is extremely depressing. This avoidance makes me feel like I am running though. I’m not a runner I don’t think, but these feels a awful lot like fear. What I fear the most is that the fear is not the right kind of fear, but it must be.

I’m more edgy. I think I am just nervous whether or not I am doing the right thing. I just feel like for so long I was doing the easy road instead of the road meant for me. I don’t know if I just need to get tougher or what the deal is. I just want to do right so badly now. I want to do right for myself. I think there has been a lot of making the easy choice or the want choice instead of the “what I should do” type choice. This is the year of change.

I see so many people repeating their cycles like I do and I think they are shameful for not growing up. So I think this is my time to step up and make a real effort to do right for myself. I am very hypercritical on this subject of doing right for oneself, but no longer. I think I just need to understand that I am going to make ‘wrong’/'bad’ choices but I will be forgiven if they are honest. I need to be more honest.

I think you can say too much and normally I do. Here lately I have been just sitting back though and watching now it is my turn if I can be honest to say my mind. The problem still lies in making up my mind. If only ‘right’ could be easy too!

Can You Ever?

Can you ever say too much?

Words make and break so many things, can I say too much and loose what I already have? I’m happy with what I have but I think I want to ask for a little more? Asking for more might at least crack what I have or shine a different light on it.

Should I just throw it out there? What can’t I be brave? These words might be too heavy what can I do instead? I can’t remember when I was this nervous…I’m confidence in everything, but this has potential.

I think waiting might be bad too. I don’t want to mess it up. Timing is too tricky.

I think that some people have said too much to me so I suppose that means that you can say too much…and now this might be me trying to talk myself out of it…

Salt Water

Timeless fears pouring salt into open wounds
Burning tears and soundless screams

the collision is predictable
the costs can be estimated
the pain will be measured
the silence will be forgotten

will the lesson be learned
will the trust be rebuilt

it is all out of scale
the perspective is skewed
a message is mumbled

the words are put in an order
that only crushes what is left

a barrier will be built and a warning system created
avoidance will be the new measure

dense fog

What am I supposed to do with all the uncontrollable variables? I move 900 miles from home for the summer, and now I feel like there is a distance much great between myself and some people that I believed I had strong relationships with. I must admit there is a silver lining: I learned that I am more important to some than I understood. I guess it comes down to the curious investment of one’s time, as in where one chooses to put their time. I wonder what I have that seems worth “investing” in. It is distressing to know how easy it is to loose best-friends, or to be more honest, it is amazing how much one can lie to there own-self. Always trying to see the good because there was great there once.

Every few months, since starting college I have changed my ‘friend group’ drastically. I hang out with four or five people and within a few months I will only be friends with one of them. It seems like this summer I am returning home to find only a select few strong friends. I try to keep seeing how this is a great opportunity, because I see who loses interest when I am out of sight and out of mind, but I can help but be a little said with how wrong I was with so many people.

I think ultimately I need to trust myself more. It seems like my first pass over people is fairly accurate but sometimes or rather most of the time I read too far, and look too deep.

I can be someone’s angel but I can’t be everyone’s angel.